The T Rump Has Landed on America's Face!

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Esq.)

     I was telling my chauffeur yesterday right after I instructed him to run over the feet of some McDonald's $15 an hour protesters, "It's high time we had a billionaire for President instead of one who just wants to buy a president."

     Then, like a big, orange Venus by some latter-day Botticelli, Donald Trump, Double Weave himself, comes descending down an escalator at Trump Plaza like a bored mall husband looking for the food court. And seriously, how nakedly a douchebag does one have to be to announce a presidential candidacy in a giant, penis-shaped tower named after you?

     Words can't express how much this excites my nether regions, especially considering I haven't been able to see them even with the aid of a full-length mirror since Carter was president. Like Sippy Cupp on CNN said, the Donald came out shooting from the hip and keeping the 37 other Republican candidates honest with his straight talk. I mean, wow, talk about your classic cock block. The day after Jeb! announced his heirloom candidacy and two days after liberal Hillary Clinton stood on a big red arrow tonelessly reciting The Beatles.

     DW, as I fondly call him while gorging on chocolate brioche or lobster ice cream at Sardi's or Elaine's, is what I call a "water cooler candidate." He's the guy you talk about at work the next day like Sean Bean finally getting killed the night before on Game of Thrones or finally getting permission to give the high hard one to the missus. Today, all of America is talking about Trump, many of them not laughing or giggling like lunatics during a full moon.

     And Trump is right: He will be the greatest job president that God ever created and proved it by hiring those shills to give some oomph to his Ooompa Loompa campaign (Of course, by last night, that liberal rag, The Onion, also laid off 50 satirists after Trump's announcement but oh well).

     And unlike Mr. and Mrs. Legacy, Jeb and Hillary, DW's a man who's willing to get his hands dirty and not be content to do things by proxy like Adelson or my old buddies in Wichita, the Kochs. And unlike your rich, Commie limousine liberals like Angelina Jolie and George Clooney, he's not embarrassed by his well-deserved wealth as when he waved around a financial statement proving he was worth $8,000,000,000 and sold yet another chunk of America, his apartment, to a Chink for $15 million. That and the fact his high-end clothing line is made by Chinese sweatshop laborers making .20¢ and a small bowl of maggot-infested rice a day shows he beats the shit out of the bottom 99% of the Chinese.

     So what do the liberals and Democrats have to say about The Donald throwing his weave into the ring?

     Sure, Senator Comrade Marx, keep laughing. You won't be chuckling when Trump buys Vermont, uproots all the maple trees and sells them to China, too.